An Incomplete Essay of What I Think about Love & Relationships

By Leslie Quan

I can't be bothered to write any long form essay about love and relationships, so this compilation of long-winded text messages I've sent certain men and borderline soliloquies I've posted on my Instagram close friends story will have to do. Enjoy the show.

I.

Today is the second time I'm in the emergency department because I have a hard time coping with life. I struggle with wanting to continue to live most days. One of the things that keeps me going is the hope that one day I will be seen and loved in the ways that I deserve. I wish for things I've never experienced before in a relationship and every time I put myself in the dating scene I quite literally risk my sanity. One day it'll be worth it. At least I hope I will reach that day and I hope it's soon.

Life is fickle and you never know who comes and goes in your life, that's why I love hard and be kind, some people are at their last lifeline.

I only share this because I've been in pain for a long time whether anyone believes it or not, and I guess it makes no difference anymore who I do and do not share this stuff with.

II.

I know everyone sees me struggle a lot with dating and most people tell me to just be happy with myself first. But I really get annoyed with that advice because I quite literally am happy with myself. Whether or not anyone believes me is not really up to them to discern that for me. I do feel ready for a serious relationship. I listen to my friends' advice all with a grain of salt, of course. However, at the end of the day, I validate myself that I'm deserving of love. When people tell me, "You don't need someone to be happy," yeah I don't, but if having a partner has the potential to enhance my life, then why wouldn't I seek one out?

It's also instinctual to seek out a "mate" so I can't always control a biological desire. Also, I feel like there's such a stigma with searching for love. I mean dating, love and relationships are a multi-billion dollar business and I'm sure most people have downloaded a dating app at least once in their life.

I only take a lot of heat about dating from my friends because I'm so open about my dating life. Of course everyone is going to hold one opinion or another about my decisions and I always appreciate advice and help from others but ultimately it's my life and my mistakes to make.

III.

In my opinion, telling someone they don't need a romantic partner in their life is insensitive to their needs. Everyone deserves to be seen, loved and validated if that is what they are seeking out.

Also, it's crazy to me that about 75% of the people who tell me to be happy single are in a relationship. I've been single my whole life and I never sought out anything until recently. If I wasn't happy being single, then I would just commit myself to any Joe Schmo who took interest in me, but I don't. I actually ask my friends to scout out any person I'm interested in and see if they're a decent human being. (More often than not they aren't, but it's not my fault that there are so many bad options.)

Everyone's needs are valid and you are allowed to disagree with me but that is what I believe in.

IV.

I believe in love even if it never comes. At least I know I put love into the world and I will always love hard no matter what and no matter how much it could potentially hurt me. I would never want to regret not loving someone.

V.

When a male penguin fancies a female penguin, he'll scour entire beaches for the smoothest pebble out there and offer it to the female penguin. She'll then place the pebble in the nest where their eggs will hatch and grow.

To me, there is inherent beauty in giving and receiving in that way. If that doesn't touch the core of your soul, then I don't know what to tell you because that just rips me apart.

VI.

As a child of divorce, I've lived through a twenty year relationship that fell apart. It destroyed me, but that doesn't mean nothing fruitful came out of that relationship. I literally exist on this planet because of an abusive relationship that shouldn't have happened. Despite being chronically and passively suicidal, I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful that I get to create art and write poetry and make at least a small impact on people's lives. That's why I believe love is always worth a shot.

VII.

All these guys I've met are genuinely lonely as fuck but in a bad way. When I meet them they're so handsy, like immediately holding hands and wanting that intimacy right off the bat, but then I ask for better communication—which is a core foundation for relationships—and suddenly I'm asking for too much. They don't know what they want. They don't know who they are without a girlfriend, but I know exactly who I am without a partner. At this point of my life, it is a choice to share my life with someone. It should feel like a privilege for them to be with me. I don't think I'm going to find anyone like that right now so I really can't even be bothered anymore because it's too draining and frustrating and I'm not in the business of teaching guys how to be better people.

VIII.

You are allowed to disagree with me.

Thank you for reading. The Vodka Waffle Party is a passion project of mine and I make $0 from all the articles I post here. If you would like to make a monetary contribution to my blog, my Venmo is @LeslieQuan. Otherwise, keep doing you, keep making art, and remember to never settle for anything less than you deserve.