Post-Graduate Life: Dating

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By Leslie Quan

"Maybe I should download a dating app."

In an effort to better understand contemporary young people, much like myself, and our innate as well as intense desire to seek out this quite elusive thing we know to be love, I contemplated on my curiosity to download a popular dating app. With a bit of hesitancy, I opted to give it a try—nothing to gain and nothing to lose.

I was initially struck by how only two photos and a handful of interests could be chosen. It seemed preposterous to think that anyone could get to know me with such limited information. I'm not quite sure what one could deduce from knowing I'm an aries and that I'd advocate for a more silent yet understanding world. However, I continued on to the part that so deeply troubled me the most.

To indicate interest, one is encouraged to swipe right and vice versa in the case of disinterest. Despite these simple instructions, I found myself terribly mistaken when it came to choosing which way to swipe. I may have underestimated how well attuned I am to the direction of left and of right.

The whole process of seeking a suitable partner on the app seemed too bizarre for me. I felt unnerved by the idea that I was pressed to decide whether I liked a person or not based on acutely superficial qualities. 

Of course I can concur that a dating app can assist in the initial connection with another, which with time and effort can lead to something more real, but the act itself felt as though I was shopping for a new jacket or perhaps my favorite type of kombucha—if I didn't find the one I wanted, I would simply have to return the next day and shuffle through more options.

Dating apps cultivate a greater urgency for hookup culture, leaving behind love that is truly sincere, honest, respectful, and supportive. Similarly, our presence on such apps urges us to seek immediate validation from strangers who aren't familiar with the intricacies of our lives. How does this reflect how we view ourselves? Do we see ourselves as lacking because we aren't bound by the tangles of an intimate relationship? These questions are free for you to answer honestly, but I presume you know how I'd answer.

It seems imperative that we must cultivate the ability to affirm, validate, and accept ourselves before we venture off to do the same for someone else. If we're unable to be wholly self-sustainable, it seems unlikely that we'd be able to commit to a healthy and nurturing relationship.

As frustrating as it may be, I'm compelled to believe that the validation of our worth must first come from within. It takes us reflections of brutal honesty to come to this conclusion. Although we may find the truth to be unpleasant, it's only crucial that we understand the true meaning of love and how we can unearth that through meaningful connections.

In bell hook's All About Love: New Visions, she describes love as being a mix of "care, affection, recognition, respect, commitment, and trust, as well as honest and open communication." I personally find it hard to believe that anyone could find any combination of these qualities of love through a dating app.

Even at this extreme, those who may push back on this notion may be in well-meaning relationships that began on a dating app, which I surely do not want to discount. However, in a world where we're keen to get what we want at the instance of our demand, it's worth questioning why one seeks out a relationship? Because we're experiencing loneliness, boredom, tribulation? Or because we're honest in our efforts to seek out a partner to share life and grow alongside with?

At the end of the day, my curiosity in downloading a dating app may have been a ruse to upend my loneliness and boredom. However, in an act of pure honesty, I can confirm the latter to be partially true. 

With an awareness of this loneliness and boredom, I found it appropriate to turn towards my passions— things that offer me joy—in order to search the caverns of my soul for what really matters to me with the hopes that someone may also be on a similar journey, finding them so that our lights may combine to guide us with the hopes of reaching our desired end.

Thank you for reading.